Posted tagged ‘illness in family’

Fear of . . . continued

June 2, 2009

Remember last week when my introvert was afraid of the rain?  That night, the worst night it could have happened, my other daughter had a seizure.

I called 911, administered a rectal injection, and tried not to wonder where my introvert had hidden.  No longer in her bed, I couldn’t worry about her worrying.  Not when something much worse was demanding my attention.

Four paramedics, two firefighters and two policemen clumped up our stairs and into the girls bedroom.  I asked my husband, “Where did she go?”

“I saw a girl hiding behind the bed in the other room,” said one uniformed man – maybe a firefighter?

As they started to check my baby’s vitals, I squeezed passed three of the men through the hall and across to my bedroom.  My introvert was hiding behind my bed on the floor.

All I could do was hug her.

“Don’t go, mommy,” she cried.

“I have to go to the hospital, I’m the one your sister needs right now.  Daddy will stay with you.”

We loaded up her sister, I climbed into the ambulance.  I knew the fears would be worse, and there was nothing I could do.

I guess sometimes that’s life.  I still felt totally awful. But, I had to let it go so I could be present with my baby who had no fears, no function, no presence of her own.  She was somewhere else and it wasn’t dreamland.

Scary doesn’t begin to describe it.  Fear doesn’t even capture my emotional state of being.

Terror.

Disappointment.

Numbness.

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